Hear Me Blabber !

2010-09-25T02:10:00.006+08:00

Recently, I've been suffering from insomnia.
I went to see my family doctor and was denied access to sleeping pills. She told me that if I don't try to get any sleep, I'm going to die of exhaustion or faint due to low blood pressure and low sugar levels.

I can't sleep and my mind is getting increasingly disoriented. Seems like the less sleep I get, the more I think. It's a terrible circle going on.

Sleeping problems aside, I've been going through some emotionally disturbing events in life. Lack of sleep made it even worse. I've completely ignored my friends, not because I don't like them anymore but simply don't have the energy to keep up with them. I just want to be alone. By the seaside if possible. I want to sit there and think the whole day and if I can't relax, I'll just drown myself and die peacefully in the sea.

They said that if you commit suicide, you are condemned to go through the same shit everyday for the rest of your eternally condemned soul. Hell, I wouldn't mind going to the seaside and dying everyday in the sea.

I used to humor my friends and everyone else, but now, I don't give a shit anymore. It's alright if you don't want to see me or talk to me. I'm just being straight forward. I'm not desperate for a fuck either. Just don't piss me off or I'll make your life miserable.

Perhaps I'm feeling increasingly bitter with life, love and everything else. Things just come and go too easily and fast. I get what I want, then I lose it. Somehow, life is turning cynical for me.

Other than these stupid issues in my life, everything else is actually going quite dandy. Mum bought me a new laptop, the DELL Inspiron 14 N4030. Pretty unique laptop with sexy engraved circles on it. Lets see how long it will last from my constant abuse.

Well, my 19th Birthday is coming soon. I know I'll be getting Dior cosmetics from my mum. It's not even my birthday yet and I'm already packed with dinner dates and so many things ranging from final exams one week before and 2nd industrial training starting at October 11. I'm more worried about my finals' results and industrial training placement then where to celebrate my Birthday.

Before that, Raya holidays were a blast. Celebrated Raya with my 2nd family, Nana's parents and grandparents invited me to their family gathering at their house. It's so nice to see them again after a long time. Frankly, I miss the feeling of being cared for. Makes it worth every single second to spend the entire day with them.

So, after a whole year almost passing by, I've changed from a stupid and innocent person to someone who has seen and felt too much and now, it's just gonna be me against the world. There will be no more fucking around with me.

Life is too short. Live loud, die fast.

2010-09-13T00:54:00.001+08:00

After so much Facebook status updates and 4 layers of analyzing, you'll still never be able to dissect me. Nobody ever does and nobody ever will. The End.

2010-08-29T22:46:00.001+08:00

When can I find the feeling of falling in love ever again ?

2010-08-14T18:50:00.004+08:00

Top 10 Things I've Done Since the Last Update

-Adopted an adorable Emperor Scorpion called Tango ! No, he's not poisonous, the sting hurts as much as a bee sting and his favourite hobbies are creating orchestras in the tank and running around, avoiding me catching him. I gave up after 10 minutes, trying to catch it. It runs faster than a freaking Robovski hamster.

-Been clubbing and drinking rather much these days. Back to my heydays on Friday and Saturday nights. Hangout spots include twentyone and Chili's at BSC, Zouk KL, M.O.S in Sunway and the recent G6 and Quattro. Clubbing is still the same like 6 years back, which makes it rather dull sometimes.

-Due to clubbing too much, unfortunately, I've been drinking too much too. Lost my appetite for food and having constant hangovers the next day. Not good.

-Finally spend more time, catching up with the latest movies. From the Sorcerer's Apprentice, Salt, Inception, the Predators, Despicable Me, Toy Story 3, Repo Men to the Expendables. Feels like my movie conquest is finally complete. That is until the new movies are released.

-Met plenty of new friends and drinking buddies. Phone list filling up. No more space. Nooooooo !

-Phone died. The end of my social world. Relying on Facebook and MSN currently to contact friends. Nooooo !

- College started and I'm taking it easy this time. No more stress. Get my assignments done, attend classes and feeling happier nowadays.

- Shortlisted to work at Berjaya Redang Beach and Spa Resort for my 2nd industrial training at October 11. Hopefully everything goes through smoothly. Living by the seaside for 3 whole months will be my heaven !

- Planning to get a ball python as my 4th pet and I've got the perfect name figured out for it already. Name won't be released till I get it. 2 fighting fishes, 1 scorpion and 1 ball python. I'll have one big and happy family living in my room.

- I'm happy. I've achieved happiness by not expecting too much. You can do shit and I won't be bothered anymore. In the end, you're the pathetic loser. Not me.

2010-07-26T21:44:00.002+08:00

Ever since the first day I was together with you, I've been loving only you. I cared only for you and I want you to be happy always.

Please don't make me change my mind.

I'm already feeling very tortured.

2010-07-21T01:51:00.002+08:00

Not gonna be that caring anymore. In the end, nobody will care, nobody will love you for who you are.

We live in a world where nothing is ever fair. I gave my whole heart to someone who treated it like a toy.

Thank you for never being there for me when I needed you. Here I was trying my best to show you how lucky you are to have someone loving you and there you were telling me to leave you alone whilst you chattered joyfully with your other friends.

Now that I'm having some troubles in my mind, you aren't even there for me. You leave me stranded alone, just like my own parents and everyone else I used to love.

I asked for love, not for fucks all the time.

Can't you see this little fragile heart of mine is dying soon ?

2010-07-13T14:57:00.007+08:00

The days after I've done my training has been pretty boring. Now, I know how it feels like to live the life of a rich princess. It's been fine dining and Starbucks almost everyday.

The best part of the entire holiday was a trip to Pangkor with a friend of mine. 2 days one night, I loved the snorkeling, the seaside and mostly the sea. It was beautiful. I've been to Pangkor, 3 times, each time staying at the Pangkor Laut Resort. Never knew there was a cheaper alternative. In total, we spent RM 390 only. It cost me RM 1500 a night at Pangkor Laut Resort.

The best part of the entire trip was the priceless look on the boatman's face when my friend told him that I've stayed at that place three times. In total around 14 nights. That's a lot of money spent.

I swear, it was fun too, being stung by plankton, sandflies, mosquitoes and also bitten by a fish. Can't wait to be back there again soon and to Lang Tengah next year.

I loved every single minute of the trip. It gave me the ultimate relaxation. Everything was fine until I found out that my own laptop died and I have to use my dad's old laptop for now. That sucked balls.

2010-06-29T13:26:00.001+08:00

FINALLY. I'M DONE WITH INDUSTRIAL TRAINING ! BACK TO LIVING MY LIFE AS A PRINCESS ! WOOHHOOOOOO!

The happiest day of my life begins today.

2010-06-10T01:31:00.002+08:00

The one whom I love so much, is in love with someone else.
The one who loves me, I don't dare to fall in love with him because he's already bound to someone else.
The one I'm attracted to, only wants to fuck me,
Another one who claims to love me, does not even show much effort.

God help me, I'll go crazy again.

Everyone else in the world who claims to love me, can go to hell if all you want is to get into my pants. Go find a whore.

2010-05-25T01:19:00.002+08:00

Sorry, I'm just not willing to be in a relationship with anyone else now. I'm not single, not available.

If you really want me to be with you, I want to be acknowledged as your girlfriend in public. Not be in a secret relationship. I'm not a trophy girlfriend. Neither will I ever be a trophy wife.

I'm not interested to have an affair with you either. All you sick married men. You have wife and kids. I pity them and I pity your miserable ass. I wonder how would your wife feel if she knows what an asshole you are.

How can you leave a woman whom you've married for so many years at home alone, waiting for you to come home late at night. And let her listen to your stupid lies, telling her that you were late due to business discussions whilst you were actually busy trying to fuck someone else.

I don't care whether you are rich or powerful. You're just a man. The more I get to know you, the more you are an asshole to me. Your money means nothing to me. And you're nothing more than someone who can afford to buy me a few drinks and meals just to fill up my time when I'm bored.

2010-05-24T20:58:00.001+08:00

I'm very curious to find out who has been searching about my blog on Google almost everyday. Same search words with slightly different content. Stalking me ?

2010-05-23T03:36:00.002+08:00

Everyone would laugh with me, tell me how lovely it is to hang out with me and what a nice person I am, but in the end, nobody would cry with me, nor understand how it feels like to be me.

Being in a relationship with myself most of the time is the most difficult thing in my life. Having a boyfriend who works and don't give a crap about me, well. That's just comforting.

Having tons of guy friends who wants nothing more than a quick fuck or just totally unreliable and some girlfriends who don't even have proper brains just makes me wanna get rid of 90 percent of my friends and start all over again. There's billions of people in this world, why shouldn't I find and pick new friends?

Then again, I know I'm pretty fussy person, I was born and raised arrogantly, proudly and with a whole lot of attitude. Can't help it, since I know what I'm worth.

By the end of the day, I'll always be making new friends and losing older ones, but there are still a few which remains forever in my heart. The unforgettable ones are the ones who makes life pretty bearable.

End of the day, all I can say is, fuck you all, the ones who think I don't know a fuck about what you've been talking about me behind my back and the ones who are useless, hopeless and ungrateful. Go to hell.

2010-05-22T00:26:00.002+08:00

OOOOOOH YEEAAAA ! I'm gonna be a part time bartender in Chili's at Subang's Empire Gallery after my stupid industrial training at BSC's Chili's. WOOHOOO !

Finally, my dream of becoming a properly paid and professional bartender is coming true. Soon.

The best part is, I'm allowed to work on weekends only and ONLY as a bartender. No food serving or hosting anything.

Still excited, excited and excited. Yay !

2010-05-19T16:00:00.003+08:00

I can't believe someone like you would be so childish to search for my blog on Google and type someone's name there just to see what I wrote about the person.

GROW UP. I'm not interested in this person. We were just friends. WERE. Until one fine day, this person decided to be bitchy. Now you wanna search my blog for this person's name? Hahahaha. I think I have better things to do then stalk you.

2010-05-04T23:07:00.004+08:00

I don't need a doctor to tell me that I'm suffering from serious medical depression. I know I am.

Even without any evaluation from a psychologist, I know I'm in deep trouble once I start feeling suicidal although my life isn't so bad.

Please save me from the nothing I've become.

It's not even a call for popularity or glamor. I don't want the attention either. I need proper counseling, evaluation and medication before all hell breaks loose again.

My head is so fucked, I feel like I can't live in this world anymore.

2010-05-01T02:21:00.002+08:00

I'm working and working, and working...

Like a slave in Chili's now. It's really difficult to communicate with my colleagues. Most of them don't even understand half of the things I tell them.

Some are nice and helpful, others are just plain annoying and bitchy.

I can't wait to finish my training as soon as possible so that I can get away from this hell hole and resume to being a paying guest again.

Then again, I don't think I wanna dine at Chili's anymore after working at the place.

2010-04-29T02:08:00.002+08:00

I wish that I can love to the point of madness so that I can forget all my pain , but deep down, I know that my personality and attitude will never allow me to do that. There's no easy way out.

I have only one heart to love, so please, don't break it anymore. Or else how am I gonna ever be happy again ?

2010-04-26T21:37:00.002+08:00

No matter how much I pray, you will always be the same.

Disappointing, stupid and useless.

No matter how much I love you, how much I'm willing to give to make you happy and how often I miss you, you are still acting like an asshole most of the time.

You lied, hidden things from me, scolded me and get pissed at me for no apparent reason. You are still there, missing your ex and hoping that she'll get back to you. Guess she dumped you for a reason.

If you hurt the one who love you, you will lose the one you love.

One day, you will learn how it feels to have your heart broken into a million pieces.

Then you'll know how I felt.

2010-04-25T15:58:00.002+08:00

You'd probably have nobody to love you anymore after your girlfriend finds out what you've been doing with me.

God, I hate it so much when you have someone loving you so much and yet you still wanna fuck around. You just make me sick.

Fuck you. You can rot in hell for all I care.

2010-04-20T18:05:00.003+08:00

Probably something which I've never imagined I would ever be doing in the whole of my 18 years of life.

Becoming a waitress and then a commis at Chilli's in Bangsar.

Thank God it's just 10 weeks and it's for my first industrial training.

Because of this job, I've learned to drive all the way to Bangsar without getting lost and I have to wake up at 6 am everyday just so I can reach there on time due to traffic jams.

After seeing the way some dishes are prepared in Chili's in the kitchen, I swear, I never wanna touch or eat them ever again. Terrible.

On the other hand, it's nice to work in BSC because there are several different kinds of people who goes there. The thing about upper-class areas, you don't have to worry much about security and hospitality from guests. These rich arses has got their own bouncers, drivers and guards taking care of the entire area for us.

Another bad point, the staff meal sucks. Same crap every day. There are no cheaper alternatives for a simple meal either. All we have is Dome, La Bodega, WIP and Coffee Bean which is pretty expensive for daily meals. There's no choice but to suffer and tolerate the terrible staff meal.

All in all, it's freaking tiring, as I've gotta stand for 8 hours a day, serving and clearing all kinds of things and the heavy safety boots aren't much help either.

Let's hope that I can survive for 10 weeks.

2010-04-15T21:40:00.002+08:00

There is this empty feeling in me. I know why. I don't get enough attention from him, I'm struggling to deal with this relationship and it's not making me happy at all.

I can have as many other better guys I want but why am I still staying with him ?

Why is God punishing me to love him so much that I can't let go of him even though he can't make me happy anymore ?

On a positive side, maybe he still does love me. A slight tinkle of hope telling me that he shows love in a different way. No matter how much he hurts me, there is always one thing he'd do in the end to make me melt.

It's not about the sex, it's not about the money either. I'm really loving him for who he is this time and I really don't want to lose him. This relationship is gonna cost me my patience.

No matter how much some people don't approve of us and how badly he treats me, if I'm patient enough, maybe one day God will open his heart and eyes and show him how lucky he is to have me loving him.

I'm screwed. Big time.

2010-04-13T01:03:00.005+08:00

First party of the holidays. KASKADE in M.O.S !

Received the pass through the Ladies VIP card. Now, I have two of the exact same card. Was a hectic day though. Since my car was dented by a fucking lorry the night before in KL, which suddenly decided to swerve, hit my car and refused to stop, I had to rush to Puchong with Ju Lyn and her friend, Lucas to get my car fixed before my dad comes back from China.

Paid 60 bucks to get the dent fixed, the workshop fella did a real good job on fixing the dent. After everything was done, we went to M.O.S to collect my VIP card and then went home to freshen up.

Around 8 pm, met up Derek, Pauline, Sam, and other friends and we got ready to enter M.O.S. Music was good as usual, crowd was stupid and I'm so glad that 3/4 of the management and staff still remembers me. Even though lots of my friends said that the staff in M.O.S sucked, I personally felt that they weren't so bad. Maybe it's because they still remember who I am.

Here are the pictures for the night. Kaskade was AWESOME !

Overall, it was awesome, meeting up with the ol' friends and partying after such a long time.

2010-04-09T18:32:00.002+08:00

Finals are over. It's time to PARTY !

Where to party? I'm so bored of the local clubbing scene. Same shit, same people, same music, different bad management every night.

Suggestions appreciated !

2010-04-08T00:01:00.003+08:00

You used to care, but now, you don't even ask me whether I'm alright or not.

Being with you is miserable. It's killing me because I still love you very much.

No matter how much I love you, I will love myself more in the end if you don't ever give a damn about my feelings.

Sometimes, I'm thinking of letting you go, but other times, I keep telling myself that things will get better between us. How patient do you want me to be, baby ?

Why, why, why have you turned into something different ? Why can't you love me the way you loved me when we first met ? While your heart drifted away, mine was sinking deeper and deeper. Don't you know how much you are killing me, baby ?

How could you ever use financial problems as an excuse to get yourself out of this ? I'm so disappointed with this, still recovering from this heartache. Baby, don't you know how lucky you are to have someone who loves you this much ?

It may not matter as much to you as it is to me, but baby, I'm really wishing every night that you'll finally come to your senses.

And when you finally do, I just hope that you'll know how much I love and care about you. No matter how unhappy it's making me.

2010-04-07T20:02:00.001+08:00

Money buys everything. Including love, friendship, power and trust.

2010-04-07T01:34:00.004+08:00

I'd rather you take care of my heart and feelings before you even think about taking care of my sexual needs.

To love, is to be patient, caring and understanding. I must engrave that to my withering heart.

2010-04-02T15:55:00.003+08:00

There's a hole in my heart. It's empty, void of your love because you've left me alone in desolation. It breaks my heart, knowing that you don't seem to put anymore effort to make me smile once again.

These days, he don't spend much time with me anymore. I know he's occupied with work and he doesn't have the time to be with me, but damn, I miss him sleeping beside me and I spend my wishes, hoping that he'll spend a lil' more time with me.

I'm tired of sleeping alone in my room. 18 years, and I don't want to be alone. I'm getting restless and insomnia is creeping up to my nerves again. I can't sleep and I don't feel happy anymore. Sometimes at night, loneliness occupies my mind and it's the kind of loneliness which friends can't solve. I miss him.

Why has my mind become so messed up?

2010-04-01T21:45:00.003+08:00

Things are going downwards again.

Your stupid selfish thoughts and useless self. How I have grown to hate you out of the love I've given you all this time.

How many times should I go through this all over again? You leave me with this uneasy feeling, God I hate it. I have no trust in you and I wish to hurt you badly so that you'll be crippled emotionally for the rest of your miserable life. Haven't you already done that to me? You've damaged me.

I laugh at your misery, to see you go through all the misfortunes in your life. Don't you know that I love and hate you at the same time?
You and your useless, pathetic excuses. Now, I see how you really are. Clearly, you don't deserve the good things in your life.

I want to see you fall one day. I hate you so much that I'm dedicating this post to you. Asshole.

2010-03-27T18:32:00.004+08:00

I wanna just dance,
But he took me home instead,
Uh oh! There was a monster in my bed,
We french kissed on a subway train,
He tore my clothes right off,
He ate my heart the he ate my brain

Monster - Lady Gaga.

Men. *tsk,tsk,tsk*. So predictable. Keep your hands off me, and your eyes to yourself.

2010-03-22T16:51:00.004+08:00

Things are getting slightly better these days, I suppose. College finals are coming up but I'm feeling so relaxed about it. Not very good, but like hell I care.

And for the first time in college, the bitches have all shut up and outside, I'm just too plain lazy to go hang out with useless people who thinks I don't know what the fuck they are insulting about me. I've begun to be slightly fussier when it comes to hanging out with friends. No more fucking around and fuck the backstabbing because I can't be bothered to be nice to them anymore. As if I won't find out when you insult me.

Anyways, I have my own car now, I'll never beg you for transport, I'm not interested to club with you because I can get in on my own and I don't need any of your money. At least I have a life other than clubbing all the time.

So, back to college. It's fun. Check out the vanity photos.

Before wine tasting class.

After wine class, here's out stoned faces.

For the first time, we actually looked good in uniform.

Was runway coach and catwalk model for P.A event.

Cam whoring in Pyramid's toilet. Sorry, I digressed.

And plus the lil dramas, such as receiving 2 complimentary tickets for Hennesy Artistry but end up missing it because of Monkey, arguing and all that. In the end, I couldn't even stay angry for more than 1o minutes because I'm still the understanding little idiot. Still feeling kinda sore and hurt about it though.

As if I've not received enough problems, I'm being hooked onto medication for stress now. Taking around 12 pills a day ain't fun at all but I don't have much choice now. Looks like all the problems finally weigh down psychologically on me and going crazy may be possible unless I take medication. FML.

2010-03-16T18:34:00.002+08:00

AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU ! (In cyberspace, no one can hear you scream.).

2010-03-02T18:20:00.001+08:00

Back home and I couldn't even be bothered to answer your questions or look at you. That's when you know you're dead to me.

2010-02-28T21:37:00.002+08:00

I LOVE my narcissism and arrogance. It helps me go through hell.

2010-02-27T02:17:00.000+08:00

Why don't I have the guts to kill myself ?

2010-02-27T02:00:00.000+08:00

I will force myself to smile.

2010-02-23T23:20:00.003+08:00

After all that Chinese New Year bore, finally, Sam Teoh and I went for a roadtrip to Malacca to meet an old friend, Ruby.

We went to Jonker Walk, and to my utmost surprise and happiness, I managed to find a Bokken which cost me 12 bucks. Freaking cheap and solid. Not sharp enough to kill anyone but certainly hard enough to cause some serious damage.

After all that excitement over a wooden sword, we went for Hainan chicken rice balls. The first stall wasn't satisfying because the rice was bad but the chicken was alright. After that, I dragged Ruby and Sam to another stall for a second round of chicken rice and it was so much better than the first stall.

Also managed to buy a turquoise ring and something called Gula Ketuk. It's a chunk of extremely hard candy which has the ability to break your tooth. It's extremely addictive though, flavored with peppermint and I gave up, trying to pry it apart. Instead, I bit it like it was a bar of chocolate.

Overall, it was a nice but short trip. The next time I hit Malacca again, I'll make sure to get more Hainan chicken rice balls and gula ketuk.

2010-02-17T21:08:00.003+08:00

Chinese New Year is over for me. It was boring. Didn't receive much money from Ang Pows either. Around RM 500 only. Couldn't even spend on anything since I'm saving up for an iPod Touch.

Parents aren't helping me at all. They don't care. Couldn't even bother sparing some extra hundreds to help me get my iPod Touch. My shoulders are breaking from carrying my heavy laptop to college everyday. And all they do is go out with their lovers and spend their money on them while I'm suffering alone.

Monkey wanted to be a Wolfman, so fine. He and his dumb mood swings, sometimes it just really pisses me off. And all I've been doing is be patient and let all the anger pass by. Man, it just gets on my nerves all the time. Why are some men being so bitchy? If I'm doing the same things that he does, I think he wouldn't even wanna look at me anymore.

Seriously, life is so uncertain for me now. It's difficult for me to adapt without my income. I'm forced to rely on my unreliable parents.

God, I wanna smack someone now.

2010-02-12T15:41:00.000+08:00

Well, Chinese New Year is gonna arrive soon. Time to put on the thickest poker face ever and greet my relatives with a smile from the Hospitality industry.

2010-02-10T21:49:00.002+08:00

I miss my old life. I know I have to grow up, take up more responsibilities and stop fooling around.

BUT. It's just so stressful for me. I look so old now, having to take all the mental and physical burden in my life.

God, I miss the good old clubbing and chilling times, when I could just hang out with my friends any time without worrying about my financial status and academic results. Now, I have to worry about not failing, I can't spend so much because I've given up my work for studies and it's pretty miserable to have your income suddenly cut off. I feel the constant strain of my financial status and my spending habits are abruptly changed.

And I've realized, I haven't been catching up with my old friends. It's gotten so bad, to the point where we just say hi and bye to each other on MSN. No more calling up to hang out, movies at Pyramid or going to KL for shopping or coffee.

Well, I don't really want to tone down my life. It's miserable and torturing me.

2010-02-07T23:59:00.002+08:00

Chinese New Year is in a week, my industrial training is coming soon, my mum is leaving me alone for Hawaii soon too, lots of assessments are coming up, plenty of presentations and I'm going crazy.

R.I.P Brains, Relaxation, Body and Health.

Seriously, these people just throw all kinds of crap at us students, suddenly and we have to handle all of them by ourselves. It's mental torture, I tell you.

I know I can't have everything, but I can at least have most of the things, right ?

2010-02-04T20:44:00.004+08:00

I've lost a good friend. She broke my heart to a million shattered pieces. I don't know why. Was it because she felt left out when she brings me out with her?

She never knew, I treated her like my sister and mentor. She gave me the comfort and education about society I need when I'm stupid. She never knew how much I appreciated and cherished her. It's difficult to find someone who can understand me so well. I kept running her angry words over and over in my head, trying to figure out why she got mad at me. I still can't understand why she would suddenly hate me. Until today, I'm still at loss.

She never gave me a chance to explain myself. She thinks that I don't show any gratitude for my life. After all that I've told her about myself, why didn't she understand that I'm really unhappy? Money can't help me, I've got nobody in my family to care about me and my brains are really fucked. I thought she'd be matured enough to understand my situation.

Instead, she turned away from me and told me off. Never accepted my explanations and just disappeared from my life. It's one of the biggest loss in my life. I didn't know how to get up and walk away from my depression.

Now, I'm just waiting for time to heal all the wounds. Hopefully, she'll realize it one day and be my friend again.

Please, I loved you very much as a sister. Don't kill me.

2010-02-01T22:46:00.000+08:00

Somebody whom I have not spoken to for a very long time would show some concern towards me. You, whom I considered the closest and loved the most in this world would not even ask how I am.

2010-02-01T11:32:00.002+08:00

God help me. My nightmares will kill me one day. Something's come to haunt me. My past, my present and my near-future. Fuck. I'm gonna die one day.

My heart was beating so fast, I could not breathe, I dream that I murdered everyone I know. Violence was my pleasure and pain was my ecstasy. I could see the terror in their eyes and smell their fear when I ripped their hearts out and disfigure their body.

Yet, I felt sorrow and anger too. I couldn't control what I was doing. I tried to save myself and my victims, but I failed.

My heart beats so fast because I was nervous. I felt intense fear. I was so scared. Something was lodged in my heart, every last piece of my humane soul was ripped apart every single time I murder someone.

Fuck, why don't I just write a horror novel instead. I've lost appetite to eat, looking pale and disheveled again. I feel like I'm dying.

2010-01-29T12:43:00.002+08:00

Been some time since I last updated my rants. Honestly, there's nothing much to say about in my life nowadays. All I've been doing now is going for college classes, then a game of Left4Dead 2 and Call of Duty 4 with my college mates, then going home and do nothing.

Other than the occasional club hopping with my dear friend, Jane, there's nothing else exciting in my life.

Still happily in love with my monkey. He's adorable. Makes me smile rainbows and giggle like a lil' schoolgirl. Can't help it though. I suppose those are the side effects of falling in love.

Mum left me for Penang for 3 days with her boyfriend. Did not bother giving me any cash, or any food. She literally threw me into Survivor mode. Had to depend on borrowed cash from my bestie and monkey had to pack food for me. Making me feel so useless.

Hoping that things will get better soon.

2010-01-23T22:34:00.002+08:00

I'm still trying to find out, how I fell in love with you. Time passed by so fast and it seems like yesterday when I've just met you. I've just realized that it's been few months already. After all these time, I remain where I am today. In love with you.

2010-01-23T22:31:00.001+08:00

Let everyday be as if it was the very first day you told me that you love me. I want to fall in love with you every single day, over and over again.

2010-01-20T00:07:00.005+08:00

My results for the previous term is out ! Can't say I'm too happy about the global average because Accounting and Mathematics pulled my average way down even though I scored well in other subjects. Anyway, it was so much better than the previous term 2 and I'm proud of myself for passing this term 2 with good scores. Cheers to myself.

2010-01-19T00:11:00.002+08:00

R.I.P. Mum and Dad.

You are both dead to me in my heart. You broke my heart and left me to weep alone.

You hurt me more than any of the stupid, useless bastards out there.

How can you be so heartless and ignorant people, I will never understand.

Goodbye.

2010-01-11T19:55:00.003+08:00

"What I really miss, your lips and your beautiful smile. And I'm happy I make you smile every time I say something amusing. Because when you're happy, it makes me happy too to know that your mind is at peace.

The way you look at me, though it may not be so innocent, still has a charming glow in it. That's what made me fall in love with you in the first place.

I know I don't see you often, you are busy with work but I'm always missing you and wishing you were by my side. Life is normal without you and it gets so much better when you are with me. I get used to understanding your ways. You aren't perfect but definitely good enough for me.

Though you made me angry sometimes, I told myself never to stay angry at you. Always forgiving you and enjoy the happy times instead. I know your thoughts will never be similar to mine but I'm glad you and I can still talk things through. The way you never apologize for your mistakes but always put on a smile for me again and forget everything even though we've just had a huge argument, it gets me to calm down and learn to control my temper.

I love you the way you are. Always and hopefully, forever. Because life isn't worth it without you to make me happy. Thank you for loving me. "

Hmm, should I put all these in a letter and give it to him ? So cheesy my thoughts are sometimes.

2010-01-10T01:24:00.003+08:00

Hmm, my mind is so restless, can't sleep and there seems to be something that keeps bothering me.

1) I kept thinking about my car. Kinda nervous about driving on the road but I guess that's what everyone has to go through in their life at least once.

2) What's gonna happen to me after I finish my college ? I'm not so enthusiastic about working in a hotel but I'm pressured to take the Hospitality programme.

3) How am I gonna earn and save up more money for my own place to stay in the future ? I don't wanna stay at my mum's house anymore.

4) Am I ever gonna get married and have my own happy family ? All I'll ever want is my own family since I've lost my own when I was just a kid.

5) Judging by how I'm living my life now, I can predict that my liver will die first, followed by me before reaching the age of 55. I must really take care of my health now but I don't really have an idea on how to begin. Been drinking almost every night and not getting enough sleep and a balanced diet. It's starting to make me worried about my own health.

6) I need a whole image re-vamp. I don't like how I look like now. It makes me feel ugly and out of place. First thing I need to do is to lose some weight and I'm still figuring out a way to make my breasts slightly smaller without the aid of cosmetic surgery. I don't really like having such big breasts as it causes too much annoyance and it's difficult for me to find clothes.

7) All my family problems are fucking me up seriously. Don't know what my mum is going to do about her life. She leaves me hanging in the middle without any proper answers and I pity my brother because he has nobody to turn to when he has problems. I swear, this family is so goddamn dysfunctional.

8) Everything goes back to almost the same problem in the end. Money. How to earn more money, how to use it wisely and stop spending on unnecessary things. I don't wanna end up like some useless junkies who only earn money through low-end jobs and spend everything they've got once they get their salary and never having enough for the future.

See ? No wonder my mind is fucked up. I'm thinking 8 or more things at once ! I'm only 18, but the only things I'm thinking about all the time is my future. It gets on my last nerve and I can't concentrate on anything else. I'm getting horrible migraines because I'm thinking too much ! Help !

2010-01-06T20:44:00.001+08:00

It's not that we don't appreciate life. It's just that we may have the money to buy anything we want in this world but there's just certain things that money can't buy and it'll never fall into our hands. So, understand why we suffer from depression ?

2010-01-06T18:19:00.002+08:00

PARTY, PARTYING AND PARTIES !

R.I.P My Dear Liver. (Soon)

And the record is drinking liquor and beer from 23rd December 2009 till 5th January 2010 every single night. Non-stop. I will be bidding my liver goodbye soon and like Sean said, won't live over 55 years old. Go figure.

2010-01-04T16:03:00.001+08:00

Passed my Driving Test and got my license !

Watch out, bitches ! There's gonna be a new driver on the road and her name is Jennifer !

Time to go CAR shopping ! WOOHOO !

2009-12-31T18:17:00.002+08:00

Wishing the world a Happy New Year and hopefully 2010 will be a better year. Pop some champagne and cheers !

2009-12-30T20:12:00.000+08:00

Now, you are telling me that Christmas and New Year are the days we spend with our families. What you said was true except for the fact that you are spending both days with someone else's family. Not with us. And it's been like this for almost 10 years, Mum. Dinner was fantastic but what a pity. You didn't even join us.

2009-12-27T20:39:00.004+08:00

Merry Christmas, World !

Steve Aoki totally ROCKED my Christmas at M.O.S this year ! Awesome headbanging shit ! ( My neck hurts now).

2009-12-27T19:56:00.005+08:00

On Christmas Eve, went to L'Opera with my Sri KL senior, Rafiqz, his friend, Michael and other bunch of friends in the same gang. Down two bottles of Chivas and a bottle of Veuve Clicquot. Had utmost fun in screaming at the bloody servers who messed up our V.I.P. tables and ended up giving 'em away. Wonderful night.

And then suddenly I realized that I'm not the only one who has a screwed up family and had to celebrate Christmas alone. I'm ever grateful to have friends to celebrate Christmas with.

Khal's magic tricks failed :P

And I'm so happy to have found someone who understands my situation and shares my feelings.

Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours.

2009-12-27T01:40:00.000+08:00

One day, when you are truly in love with me, you will go down on your knees before me, tell me how happy I've made you and kiss my lips to create that beautiful smile.

2009-12-24T18:40:00.002+08:00

Proof that my mum is ashamed of me is when she won't even let me meet her boyfriend and would rather go with him to another country to celebrate Christmas and New Year with his daughters than celebrate with her own children. Leaving us alone at home without saying goodbye or wishing us.

The same goes to my dad who did not even bother to call us to wish us either, and has disappeared from our lives completely.

Well, Merry Fucking Christmas to both of you, the STRANGERS of my life.

2009-12-22T16:50:00.002+08:00

Christmas is near, and most people are feeling generous.

On the 20th of December, Hannah Tan and some other local talents in the industry decided to be generous and held a concert at Gardens Ballroom. And the only catch is , you don't pay for the tickets, instead you buy a gift and exchange them at a counter for a ticket. One gift is exchangeable for one ticket.

So, Miss Jane and I dropped by to show some support and I had a lovely time listening to our local talents singing.

And yes, in case you are wondering, Hannah Tan can sing. Not excellently, but still alright.

On the other hand, since Christmas is nearby, I still have not had any idea on what to get for my baby, no plans on both Eve and the day itself and nobody really had any solid plans for the night. Everyone else is staying at home, having Christmas dinner with their family or just clubbing.

My mum is with her boyfriend, dad with his girlfriend and brother out with his friends. So, I have no family to celebrate Christmas with and the only thing which seems possible is clubbing or chilling out with some wine or beer.

What a bummer.

2009-12-15T23:14:00.016+08:00

Aaaah, Christmas and New Year is nearby and I'm spending money like water.

These Navy Blue Suede and Black Patent Leather two tone closed toe 5" Oxford lace-up high heel pumps are a Christmas present from me to myself. And they are made for walking and kicking other people's ass ! Muahahahah !

This is my new poison called Creme Allure, Dazzleglass Lip Gloss from M.A.C. Seductive shade of dark plum but looks like rouge gloss on my lips. It's a Christmas present from mummy !

Was suppose to get the set of 5 from Magic, Mirth collection, but they don't have the shade I wanted so I decided to get these instead.

Aside from these two items, there's more coming up and the one I'm anticipating the most is a pair of Skullcandy headphones which baby promised me next year, January. It's a delayed Christmas present. My beloved Skullcandy headphones are finally in Malaysia ! They can be found in selected Quiksilver stores !

Since he is getting me the Lowrider Glen Plaid model, I've decided to save up my own cash to get another model from Skullcandy too. Planning to get the G.I Joe Brown Stripe model as I really love the band pattern, design and it has better sound quality too ! Owning two pairs of Skullcandy headphones is gonna ROCK !

Lowrider Glen Plaid

G.I Joe Brown Stripe.

Getting all the presents may be great but really, all I want for Christmas is baby to spend more time with me. That's what I want and it beats any present I have.

2009-12-13T18:32:00.003+08:00

Remember all the things we wanted,
Now all our memories they're haunted,
We were always meant to say goodbye.

Even with our fists held high,
It never would've worked out right,
We were never meant for do or die.

I didn't want us to burn out,
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter,
Where we take this road someone's gotta go,
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better,
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone.

Looking at you makes it harder,
But I know that you'll find another,
That doesn't always make you want to cry.

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in,
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive,
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go.

-Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson.

These verses are dedicated not to any person but to my own feelings and my heart. I love myself but I've sacrificed almost everything for someone else.

So, now, I'm bidding farewell to my own feelings and what my heart tells me. When you follow what your heart tells you, things will never work out. Screw 'em fairy tales.

2009-12-13T18:12:00.003+08:00

So, why does men like you totally forget about me once you are busy with work?

Don't you know I've given up a huge business deal so that I could stay in Malaysia and be with you? Now, I'm starting to regret my decision. Should've just bought the damn house in Orange County and move there to start a new life WITHOUT you.

Why should I be the one to call you all the time? Would a simple text or call cost you a fucking million dollars ? Seriously, you are starting to be the same like all my previous exes who are just bastards. Being busy with work does not mean you can ignore me like I'm nobody.

I'm so tired of being in a relationship which just doesn't make me happy.

And I've sworn never to shed a single tear for you. Because I don't have a heart for you to break anymore.

2009-12-11T14:15:00.006+08:00

Yes, finals are OVER and no more classes till next year January !! WOOHOO !

Christmas and New Year is nearby and all I ever wished for Christmas is to spend more time with my baby.

However, it won't hurt if someone can be generous enough to get me a new phone, a Dior Addict perfume and a pair of Skullcandy headphones for Christmas. Just either one will make me REALLY happy.

Mummy is getting me 5 M.A.C Lipglosses and 3 M.A.C. Eyeliners from the Magic, Mirth Collection ! YAY !

By the way, the day my finals ended, the whole motley crue and I went clubbing at M.O.S and looks like I've just been upgraded to VIP status in the club ! Double WOOHOO !

Yea, I guess this term isn't that bad for me. It's like a wake up call for me. So, I start to slow down on clubbing and drinking, and focused on college studies instead. In the end, my hard work paid off and I'm enjoying a rather nice life now. The only complaint I have is my baby not having enough time to spend with me and I do miss him very much sometimes.

But, I guess I can't ask for too much, life ain't perfect.

2009-12-08T17:36:00.001+08:00

A person is only truly beautiful when she or he can show their faces in the public without any make up or cosmetic surgery. People may think you are beautiful but I think you are just FAKE. And when you aren't wearing any make up, you are just plain UGLY. So, please mind your attitude and maybe I'll consider you beautiful on the inside.

2009-12-07T22:11:00.003+08:00

A brilliant performance by the students who takes Performance and Media in Sunway University today. I've never had such a great time watching musical performances and tonight's show was a really wonderful one which really showed real emotions and lifted my spirits.

The finale was Chicago.

The Cell Block Tango.

And the ladies strut their stuff seductively.

With red signifying lust and passion.

Then it was Les Miserables. Very sad song.

A merry performance of the Matchmaking song.

Touching performance of Memories by Cats.

A comedy musical by My Fair Lady. Eliza was adorable.

Then comes a controversial lesbian scene from Rent.

The Witch sings her heart out.

A happy beginning with an excerpt from the musical, Hairspray.

Yes, and she was not plump.

The whole performance lasted for around 1 hour with extra performances such as the lecturer, Mr Raymond Miranda singing Nature Boy from Moulin Rouge and the Head of Department performing a chinese drama.

Overall, it was really a wonderful performance with all the students putting in so much effort for the entire event. A must-watch show which will only happen once a year.

Watch out for next year !

2009-12-06T14:45:00.002+08:00

Bjorn Akesson was at Mist , Bangsar yesterday and Mr Andrew Koh and I went to attend the event and enjoyed really good Trance music all night long. This dude from Sweden is just too energetic. By Malaysian law, all clubs should close at 3 am sharp but seems like Bjorn was having too much fun spinning to stop. So we enjoyed his music until 3 plus and after the whole event was over, managed to snap some good pictures with him.

Andrew, on the other hand, had fun drinking beer and didn't even remember how he got home after that. Yes, he is indeed a very smart guy.

Before attending the event at Mist, I had dinner at Rakuzen with Mr Edwin. The food there is great. Ordered the Unajyu Zen, Grilled Salmon Head, Cranky Salmon Maki and Sakura Zen. Then we received complimentary ice-cream cause we had to wait for our tables even though we made reservations before that. Really appreciated the dinner , cause ever since the day I'm alone at home, haven't had a decent meal. Thanks very much for the dinner.

And just like that, these two guys really made my night wonderful. Great dinner, great clubbing and awesome company. What more can I ask for ?

2009-12-02T22:39:00.001+08:00

Yes, I am ALONE and I feel EMPTY.

No, I'm not EMO. It's really how I feel.

Life's a BITCH. And then you DIE. Death was right in Final Destination.

Fuck. I know my body is FUCKED up and I will DIE real soon.

Deal with it. Live with it. Learn to love it.

Fuck it. I'll see you in HELL .

2009-11-30T13:17:00.002+08:00

So much for putting hope in my studies and relationship.

Studied so hard for Food Science and all I got was a measly 17/35 for my mid-term assessment. I can't understand how can the marks be so low. Most of my classmates got lower than me and that worries me because I don't know how we are all going to survive the final assessment which is going to be ten times harder.

And I see who the real baby is now. There's never a man. It's always a boy. And your childish whims can get on my nerves sometimes. I've vowed to be as patient as I can be because I want to love you for the good you are, not the bad.

How patient do you want me to be ? I've never lost my temper once. Whatever you did , I've always let it pass by. And when I did something wrong, you want to be angry at me and show me your childish tempers?

Who the fuck do you take me for ? I'm not the kind of woman who will stay at home, wait for you and be patient for long. I have my business and studies to run and I will not stay at one point of my life forever.

My life moves forward faster than you can imagine and I'm already trying to slow down a huge part of it just to accommodate to your whims.

Please, just grow up and be a man. Stop being a boy. I really need you to be by my side and take care of me, not me taking care of you all the time.

God, I'm really stressed now. I need a long vacation.

2009-11-28T14:39:00.003+08:00

Just got my ECG Scan results back.

According to the mighty doctor ,

Arrhythmia is detected and a beat is missed after every few heartbeats. Due to the current condition, oxygen isn't distributed evenly and therefore results in syncope (fainting).

Gee, an irregular heartbeat ? How come I've never felt it ? All I've ever felt is the bumps and bruises plus the nose bleeds after blacking out and hitting my head on any hard surface.

Do I need a new heart now ?

2009-11-24T16:02:00.005+08:00

Ever wondered how it's like to feel that you just don't seem to belong with any groups in the society even though you are well known for your ability to blend in with any crowd naturally?

Sometimes, that's how I feel. Outcast, eccentric, lonesome and practically alone. But, then again, I'm not alone. I have somebody who loves me, lot's of people who cares or claims to care about me. And I have plenty of enemies too. Out of envy or intimidation, I have no idea.

When I'm in a club, my drinks are 'sponsored', I never have to pay any cover charge and guys do like to strike up a conversation with me. If only all this can happen in college or anywhere else other than clubs, wouldn't that be better ?

Social communication should not be restricted to nightclubs or pubs only. In this case, I felt like I have failed terribly as a sociable person and my EQ must be pretty darn low. How is it possible that I can't apply my social skills when I'm not in a club?

I don't really know how to communicate with other people sometimes. Not to say I'm shy or embarrassed to speak up, I can speak up well but some people just don't seem to understand what I'm trying to say. Is it really that difficult to keep up with my wits?

I've been deemed as arrogant by some people. They don't know me well, barely spoke to me but they have made a mark on me and therefore I was labeled as being an arrogant and spiteful person. In general, I don't say anything when I'm angered, I do not like to lose my temper and I can't be smiling or laughing all the time at jokes which aren't even funny sometimes. Someone told me that I have an arrogant look but all I did was be silent, and my thoughts are always filling up my mind.

Maybe my humor is slightly sinister sometimes or just takes some time to digest but how bad can humor get? British humor is worse than mine and these potheads can understand them but they can't understand me ?

Maybe I'm just being too much of a realist. In general, most people around my age are still living in Dreamland. I just chose to be realistic. Since I've been forced to grow up, I'm still wondering when will these people grow up too?

Time does not wait for you and the world does not revolve around your stinking feet.

Grow Up, Please !

2009-11-22T22:48:00.002+08:00

I see the cracks which appear now.

There is never a perfect relationship.

It's just a nightmare all over again.

2009-11-19T21:39:00.002+08:00

Would you believe me if I told you that tears drop from my eyes because I miss you so much and that I'm feeling really lonely because my family has gone and left me home alone ?

Suddenly, my 3 storey house seems so huge. I'm alone in my room and I don't know what goes on downstairs and upstairs.

My only consolation is my laptop which connects me to the outside world and fighting fish which keeps me company but couldn't even say anything to cheer me up.

I'm losing appetite and weight due to feeling depressed all the time. I know I look weary and tire out easily nowadays. But I'm not happy, I can't help it and nobody can help me either.

It's college classes everyday, then back to my empty house and locked up in my room. This repeats from Mondays till Friday nights. I can't even go out at night anymore because I don't want to be late the next morning and start skipping classes again like last term.

I've changed. I'm not that cheery anymore. All because I chose to focus on college. I gave up almost all of my happiness just to keep my parents happy. Go figure.

2009-11-17T20:49:00.002+08:00

I don't know what to do. I miss you very much.
Never had much time to spend with you but I really wished you can spend more time with me.
What am I to do when you aren't beside me ?
Don't you know every time I pursed my lips, there's always something important from my heart I wished to tell you but I've never really had the guts to tell you about it?
I've no idea how I fell so deeply in love with you. I hate myself for falling so deeply in love because I know I will be hurt immensely one day if I lose you.
God, why do I choose to torture myself all the time like this ?

2009-11-13T12:12:00.004+08:00

Happy Birthday Baby, I love you. Muahx !

2009-11-10T21:23:00.003+08:00

If you were to call me an angel,
Then I'm like the sad and fallen being,
Who sits quietly on her bed,
Thinking about the days,
When she can get her wings back,
To fly away again.

If you were to call me your beloved,
Then I'm like the sick and silent patient,
Who can only stay in a room,
Thinking about the times,
When she can meet you,
To feel the warmth again.

So, dear God,
I pray, let me get well again,
For I long to get out,
And feel the sunshine,
Hear the sound of laughter,
And be joyful again.

-by Jen.

2009-11-08T19:52:00.002+08:00

Sigh, things aren't going that well for me now.

College life is really exhausting and draining my energy.

Just as I took a vacation to Melacca and come back, high fever struck me again. I feel so horrible. As if that wasn't enough, my mum was so smart to give the wrong medicine to me which made my nose bleed non-stop and my head feels faint from lack of blood.

Even as I'm typing this, my eyes are so sore and puffy like as if I've cried for 3 days non-stop.

As if feeling like crap wasn't enough, I have plenty of assignments and upcoming assessments to complete and if I don't get well soon, I will miss out on the important points in lectures.

Really very stressed, sick and frustrated right now.

2009-11-01T16:17:00.005+08:00

BOO ! On the night of Halloween (which is actually quite a ridiculous night which allows adults to dress up in costumes) , yours Truly went clubbing at Maison and MNEP. With a Vampire Bunny makeover which ended up becoming a Vampire after the bunny ears fell off.

Went with dear Ian, his friends, Jeffrey the Reaper and Isaac with his Afro hair. Met Nana, Ju Lyn, Calvin and his gang, Ernest and Adeline at Maison.

Very disappointing night. Bad service, Bad music, Bad fights, Bad suicidal attempts and Bad and stupid drunk people lying everywhere. Even Michael Jackson's "Bad" video was shown.

After Maison, went to MNEP and that's where the real party begins. Awesome music, awesome people, awesome ambiance and well, everything was awesome. Should've gone there earlier instead of wasting time at Maison. Partied hard there till 5 am, then went home and drop dead.

And, Halloween made me realize something. I can wear red lipstick, I can pass off as a Geisha, a Vampire and my sunken jaws and small eyes make me look scary. Cool ! I know what I can dress up for next Halloween.

So, Happy Halloween !

2009-10-25T12:25:00.006+08:00

Akon was ROCKING Malaysia last night ! And by pure luck and lots of gratitude to my dear Derek who just celebrated his Birthday yesterday, he had 5 extra tickets and my darling, Ian and I were lucky enough to receive two passes from him. Thanks so much Derek-san ! Lotsa Love, Happy Birthday and XOXO !

Pauline and her friend, Daniel managed to get the tickets too , so we met them up at Pyramid, had a quick dinner and then off to catch Akon !

I must say, I was very surprised that I actually enjoyed Akon's concert very much ! Can be considered as one of the best concerts of 2009 in Malaysia. He performed all his own songs, and in addition, several songs which was under his production such as Sexy Bitch with David Guetta, Just Dance with Lady Gaga, The Sweet Escape with Gwen Stefani and Soul Survivor with Young Jeezy.

Before each song, there was a short storyline and that was what made the concert so interesting. He managed to hype up the crowd, there were no song glitches and the DJ was awesome too !

After Akon, went to MNEP at SS15 and met Sam Teoh to chill out and as usual great music by Mr. Shaun. Lovely place to chill out with great ambience and the greatest thing about the place is the music and cold beer.

And after MNEP, it's back to home sweet home for me. Sleep.

2009-10-17T19:15:00.001+08:00

Things which happened to me these few days, it's confusing my emotions and mood all the time. I don't know whether to be happy or sad.

On the Friday, went for Dave Seaman, One Year Anniversary at M.O.S. , Euphoria. The beats were nice, and there were cool dancers in neon lights, but it got boring after a while cause the dancers were dancing too long and normal customers weren't allowed on the podium.

And Dave Seaman turned out to be a bald middle-aged man. I was kinda expecting young, good looking and sexy like Patrick Oliver.

On the other hand, I have been losing and gaining friends. Some were full of drama, others were just plain disappointments. Friendship and trust is so hard to find nowadays. And I've just gone through a huge disappointment. Now, I really can't be bothered anymore. And to all the guys who've hurt me, you know your life will never be the same ever again.

2009-10-16T09:29:00.002+08:00

You just wait. You , who screws with my life constantly till my heart has grown numb and it's so much hate in me that it's affecting everyone around me too.

I need time to heal, time to get back on my own again.

Feeling bad cause I canceled so many appointments with friends. Guess it's just my body which has reached its limits and I feel so exhausted all the time. I just need my sleep.

I feel better now. So , tonight, I'll be rocking M.O.S !

2009-10-10T03:23:00.002+08:00

Just got back from this FUCKING AWESOME event called JUS4FUX. And it was like how the picture describes below. SUPREME !

Organised by Bui Yen, from GOT TALENT. This event is held in a hidden and ultra -swanky location at SS15. What used to be a boutique was turned into the ultimate luxury chill-out spot. Complete with awesome house, trance and abit of RnB infused music. Keeps you pumping all night long.

Beers are RM 11 each bottle. Awesomely cheap and ladies get two shots for free. Guys are required to pay RM 15 for entrance fee though including one bottle of beer too.

Went there with Nana, darling Alex, Ju Lyn and Mun Yoong and met up with Shaun, Bui Yen and Sammi. Lotsa familiar faces there tonight.

Played drinking game, mixed Guiness Stout, Tiger Beer and Mojito together. Ended up with a pounding head.

Before the event, headed off to a BBQ at dear Azzila's house. Had a great time, met up an old high school friend, Jin Ji. The food was so good, we ate and ate till there's no tomorrow. Pictures will be uploaded once the photographers tags me.

A really good night tonight. It is one of the best nights I've ever had and it really beats going crazy in club all the time. The chill-out session was one of the best I've ever attended. Hopefully there'll be another JUS4FUX event coming up soon. A MUST-ATTEND event.

2009-10-04T12:14:00.003+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEE...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME !

I AM OFFICIALLY 18 !

That's right bitches ! I'm fucking 18 !

Thanks to all my dear friends who celebrated with me yesterday at steamboat for dinner and MAISON and SPACE for clubbing.

Somebody who promised me a bottle did not keep his words. It's alright. Shows what a loser you are anyways.

I didn't get any of my presents yet, but my face was smashed into a cheesecake.

Mummy gave me cash to buy high heels. Couldn't resist going for this pair :

Another pair of high heels coming my way soon ! Will post it once I get it ! Meanwhile, my wishlist sounds very saddening. All but the high heels weren't granted. It's alright. There's always plenty of years to come.

2009-10-03T01:25:00.004+08:00

Let me have some fun and publish my Birthday wish list for this year.

1. This sweet lil one-piece zipped up sweater with hoodie from Niichi @Pyramid. Last piece though. Sigh.

2. Big pink headphones ! And then I'm gonna bling em up !

3. A new phone . My LG KF360 went for a swim and it drowned.

4. High heels ! Come on, you people know I'm OBSESSED with high heels. The higher the better.

5. Dior Addict 2 or DKNY Be Delicious perfume. I really love 'em. Been waiting to save up enough money for these two perfume.

6. Liquor. I'd love to stock up my liquor cabinet.

7. Flowers. Real roses and white lilies. They cheer me up when I'm down.

8. A vacation to an isolated , but beautiful island. I really need a break.

9. An iPOD. Any edition will do. At least 8 GB please ?

10. A shopping spree. This will make me extremely happy :D

There you go people. Anybody kind enough to fulfill my wishlist for me ? Will be eternally grateful if you do.

2009-09-27T05:45:00.003+08:00

3 things I did in 3 days. First was the Will.i.am LIVE DJ spinning , held at Le Blanc in Heritage Row on Saturday. Music was alright, didn't know what the hell he was spinning sometimes. Could not quite catch the rhythm. Friendly dude though, smiled and waved at me.

But whatever, he's Will.i.am. His talent is singing, not spinning. Not like he cares anyway. As long he makes an appearance at Blanc.

2nd night ,went to Genting with Ivan and Dragon. A bottle of vodka for happiness and the weather was just nice at first but it turned freezing towards the end. We had to sleep in the car till next morning, cause it was too foggy to drive downhill.

If only we could gotten a room there. Then we don't have to freeze.

Bloody face looks like a zombie at 7 am.

3rd night, went to Maison for a Pool Party. Turns out they just had a lil cute portable pool for us to splash in. Went for a dip and my phone had a swim too in my shorts' pocket. It DROWNED and DIED on me. Now, I've lost all my phone contacts, have to use my old phone and receive unknown callers all the time. This bloody phone is only 3 months old. *sob* *Cries*

For you boys to drool over :P

So,anyways, I'm prepared for the lecture from my mum later. It's 7 am in the morning now and I'm dead exhausted. Sleep now. Talk later.

2009-09-24T10:32:00.004+08:00

NO, I'M NOT FUCKING ALRIGHT BECAUSE YOU ONLY COME TO ME WHEN YOU NEED A FUCK ! IF YOU EVER CONSIDERED ABOUT MY FEELINGS, YOU WOULD NEVER SAY STUPID THINGS LIKE THAT TO HURT ME. DO YOU KNOW HOW HURT I AM NOW ?

FUCK THIS SHIT THEN, WHAT AM I TO YOU, HUH ?

WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING ASK YOUR GANG TO GIVE YOU A BLOW WHEN YOU NEED ONE THEN ? GO FUCK THEM INSTEAD !

YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A LEECH ! YOU THINK YOU ARE SO GREAT, AND I USED TO THINK SO TOO. NOW, I HAVE LOST ALL FUCKING RESPECT FOR YOU !

YOU SAID YOU CARED AND UNDERSTAND ME, BUT YOU NEVER DID. YOU ARE A PATHETIC LIAR.

2009-09-21T22:26:00.002+08:00

On a quiet Sunday night, if you walk along Heritage Row, you can hear the BOOM from only ONE place. And that place is MAISON. It's Boy's Night at MAISON on Sundays and I was there last night, coming from Bar Celona to enjoy my night.

Hosted by Prince World, who had gay parties at Crowne Plaza hotel before, they are the excellent organizers of Boy's Night. Apparently, Boy's Night is even more crowded and doing better than Ladies Night and Saturday nights. I had a great time, enjoying the music, and the awesome view. Boy's Night is definitely better than Ladies Night !

After Maison, headed off to Upstairs, Loft for an after party with DJ Bryan and his boss. Great music too , albeit not that crowded since they just opened after being closed for quite some time to make way for SPACE.

Anyways, it's the first time having so much fun in the clubbing scene on a Sunday, since it's usually pretty dead to club on Sundays and it must've been the influence of Hari Raya. I grow to LOVE public holidays.

2009-09-20T11:25:00.003+08:00

After waking up from a hangover, my dear Ju Lyn has just turned 18 today ! WOOHOO !

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JU LYN !

First, we went for STEAMBOAT at Chong Qing. After proceeding to stuff ourselves with 'oh-so-glorious' food, it was time for the usual. CLUBBING and PARTYING !

The party was at MAISON @ Heritage Row. After all that usual hassle, going through the motherfucker, Allan and his annoying bouncers, everyone managed to get into the club to PARTY !

When the party was over, went to yum cha at Asia Cafe, talked lotsa crap and then , the 2nd round of fun began.

Second DRINKING session with close friends at my house ! From 5 am till 7 am. YESH, I'm drunk and I've scored myself a great hangover and headache today. Great way to start a day. A very special day since it happens to Hari Raya too today !

So, to all my friends and everyone out there, SELAMAT HARI RAYA ! Don't forget, drive safely and enjoy your holidays !

2009-09-13T16:37:00.003+08:00

This is the culprit who poured the whole bottle of pepper into his half-boiled eggs. It wasn't meant for him to eat half-boiled eggs that night because he ruined 4 eggs in one shot. 2 was killed by pepper, another two arrived to him in raw state. Not half-boiled.

Guess it just wasn't your night :)

I'd pay anyone RM 5 who dares to finish this whole plate of half-boiled eggs .

That night, Melvin, the boys and I were club-hopping ! From Mist, to Maison and finally Space.

A Twestival was held in Mist. It's a celebration for Twitterers out there. For those who don't know what is Twitter, you are obviously missing out on the good stuff here. It's one of the most innovative, fun and interesting digital application of the year. Even the celebs are using it. So, go do your research if you have no idea.

A freestyle performance by the boys of Inversion Crew. You just gotta love them. Good looking, great dancers and friendly people !

After the event at Mist, head to Maison, Heritage Row to club at Maison and Space. Met lots of old friends there. My SRI KL senior, all the DJs and the whole motley crue was there that night to club !

Rafiqz and Yours Truly.

Lotsa Love !

That's all for the night.

2009-09-09T23:09:00.001+08:00

Tears are just a mirage. They appear and evaporate soon. What is real is the pain being dealt with and the sorrow felt in the heart.

2009-09-09T12:08:00.002+08:00

Two new movies to review .

Went to KLCC with Nana and Bui Yen to watch The Orphan.

Man, that bitch sure knows how to manipulate people. Shows how scary a combination of genetic disease and mental illness can be.

I'm surprised that most people out there didn't like the movie. Personally, I found it to be interesting and shocking. Gotta award bonus points for the twisted-ness of this movie . There were some slow scenes but overall, it's a good movie for me.

2nd movie was The Final Destination. Watched with with John at One Utama GSC.

The movie was overrated and underrated at the same time. Everybody was gushing about how wonderful the movie was going to be but when they watched it, said it wasn't good. However, I personally thought that it was not that bad. Can't be compared to the first until 3rd movie because those are really good. The beginning and ending of the movie was very interestingly shot though.

Soundtrack is awesome ! Gonna download the OST album.

Other than that, I must say, there are going to be a whole new bunch of movies I can't wait to watch. First on my list would be Jennifer's Body, then Pandorum, Gamer, The Inglorious Basterds and many more to come...

2009-09-08T15:58:00.002+08:00

While I'm currently relaxing at Starbucks, there are a few things I want to clarify.

1) NEVER take me for granted. I do what I want and what I like. You guys out there think I'm so easy to get ? Honey , you got me wrong, I made one guy rot in jail and few other guys go bankrupt before. So, please, don't fucking mess with me.

2) DOESN'T mean I don't speak a language, I won't be able to understand it. I have fucking buggers insulting and criticizing me in Spanish, French, Mandarin and Cantonese. Fuck you. I can understand perfectly every single thing you are saying about me. I may just sit and smile at you, but if you think I don't understand whatcha talking about, you are WRONG.

3) DON'T FUCKING take me for a fool. I've probably read more general knowledge than you. I've finished 5000 pages of encyclopedia and I'm learning new knowledge every single day. Don't challenge my intelligence. If you want to teach me new knowledge, I'd appreciate it but I certainly DON'T need you looking down at me and thinking that I'm some stupid ASIAN or DUMB BLONDE.

4) IF you think I won't understand what you are talking about when you comment in mandarin or other language on my posts, you are WRONG again. HAVEN'T you heard of GOOGLE TRANSLATOR ?

5) This goes out to the fucking TAYLOR'S SCHOOL OF HOSPITALITY AND TOURISM. You claim to teach hospitality but your staff seems to be lacking of it. I had to wait almost 20 minutes, standing there like a FOOL whilst listening to you chatting on the PHONE ! What kinda service is that ? I pay fucking RM 16 Thousand for six months and I am your fucking CUSTOMER ! I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU TREATING ME LIKE SOME FUCKING STONE ! There's a particular reason why I went to inquire about some information and it is fucking important because it involves MY MONEY ! If you think you are such a great college, you are fucking wrong. Lotsa people DESPISE YOU.

6) To the FUCKING WHORES out there. Show some respect to me please. DON'T MESS WITH MY MAN. There's a reason why he is my man. And I DON'T NEED YOU TO FUCKING MESS WITH HIM in front of me. Just because I'm ENGLISH educated, doesn't mean I can't understand your miserable attempts to flirt and seduce him in CHINESE. GET YOUR OWN MAN. HE IS NOT AVAILABLE. SAVVY ?

7) Refer to number 6. This time however, this applies to me instead of him. I'm NOT available now. And for the last time, NO. I DON'T WANNA HOOK UP WITH YOU, NOR BE YOURS. I'M HIS.

8) When I'm sitting alone at Starbucks, enjoying my peace and a cuppa coffee, PLEASE DON'T DISTURB ME. I will tell you to FUCK OFF. Don't make me pissed. Thank You Very Much.

Well, that's about it. So many things which makes me pissed off. It builds up and I can't take much of it anymore. So, I'm just letting it out on my blog. Read it and take NOTE of it. Thank you.

2009-09-04T15:28:00.004+08:00

Had a great night yesterday. First of all, Mack picked me up and we join Melvin dear for a drink at Ming Tien. Then followed Melvin to Mid-Valley so that he can get his hair cut. After some drama, we attended a fashion show event at this club in Solaris, Mont Kiara called ENVY. Turns out the manager there is a popular blogger whom I happened to met few times before.

The fashion show was by RIP CURL, showcasing beach and casual wear.

After the event, we went back to Sunway, where I joined the managers for a drink at Bar Celona whilst Melvin and some good friends went to M.O.S. . Since I can't go in yet due to some 'eh-hem' unnecessary problems with the dear General Manager.

Had a great time drinking beer and vodka lime the whole night with all the managers, VIPS and good friends. Managed to brought back a whole bottle of 42below vodka courtesy of someone awesome !

Ray picked me up around 1.30 am, and I must admit it's been such a long time since I got that drunk. So sweet of him to stay over. The night ended wonderfully satisfying...

2009-09-02T23:37:00.004+08:00

Well, now that the celebrations are over and my mum has gone to Singapore for her trip, I feel terribly sad and alone.

Dad came back these few days, but it was always about money. Never considering other people's feelings.

Boyfriend working all the time, no point talking about it.

I'm just feeling pretty down these few days. I failed my term 2 practicals due to absenteeism and there are people pressuring me to either retake the entire term or just quit. I choose to quit and enroll myself into Multimedia Design next year July.

Since I've already spent around 16k for two terms, I don't wish to retake the term again and waste my parent's money. I'm just gonna have a 10 months break from now, get a full time job and save up some cash just in time for next year.

I feel so down nowadays, I know I'm gonna go through lotsa crap soon from my family. It's not gonna be an easy journey for me.

What I really want right now is just to go on a shopping spree. I don't really wanna club all the time. Why can't you guys take me out on a shopping spree instead of spending all your money on opening bottles for me ? I'd really appreciate the shopping more than the bottles. It's been so long since I last went on a shopping spree to make myself happy.

Hopefully I can go on more road-trips to make myself happy. Penang, Singapore, Melaka and Penang again !

2009-08-31T10:59:00.005+08:00

HAPPY 52ND BIRTHDAY MALAYSIA !

I celebrated our Independence Day countdown at Mist in Bangsar. Went there with Vik, joined Nana and her college gang, and met K and his crew, and my high school and college senior, Sam Chew. DJ Cash Money was spinning there that night and his music was AWESOME ! Definitely one of the best mix I've heard so far.

Vik, Me, Nana and Sam.

DJ Cash Money and Yours Truly.

After the night, we went to Canai 15 to shisha and have supper until 4 am. Since Vik and I had nothing to do, we decided to round KL and finally made the decision to go for a roadtrip to Genting Highlands ! It was awesome !

Reached Genting around 7 am, waited for the Sky Cable to open around 7.30 am and took the ride up to Genting First World.

Sky Cable view.

Vik and I.

Going back down !

The view of the horizon from the top of Genting Highlands at 8 am.

We completed rounding the whole Genting Highlands in two hours and went back to KL around 10 am. I love this year's celebration ! A spontaneous roadtrip is always the best thing that could ever happen to me !

2009-08-29T04:41:00.004+08:00

Hmm, nothing up much lately, it's just plain ol' boring college, then hang out at Pyramid with some friends like Ju Lyn, after that, chilling at Bar Celona.

Don't even have the mood to be drunk or to club that much anymore since I'm literally bored of clubbing and will only go on certain nights or under VIP invites.

The things I enjoy now in life are chilling with some friends at a nice place, having good food and meeting influential and powerful people since the conversations are more intelligent and interesting.

Always hoping and hoping and hoping x10000 times to spend more time with my baby, but he is always busy. Wanna complain, can't complain. No point being angry either because it's still gonna stay that way. Being an understanding person is the hardest lesson in life. Sometimes, it feels like a long-distance relationship. Can't even be bothered to argue anymore since the efforts are always fruitless in the end.

Sadly, I'm home alone almost every day. Dad never at home, mum spending more time with her boyfriend and my lil bro hanging out with his friends or staying in his room. Not a cosy family at all.

So, at least I have friends to hang out with, really appreciate that and it is so much better than staying at home and rotting slowly.

Oh, and a new darling fighting fish to keep me company when I'm really home alone. I'm terribly terrified of being alone in this big house. Let me introduce you to R.A.Y.
Bought him from a street stall for RM 1.50. He was suffocating in a tiny disgusting plastic bag but now, he is living in an expensive blue vase. My previous darling, Navy decided to commit suicide on me few weeks back. I still miss him so much...

R.A.Y.

2009-08-26T22:35:00.006+08:00

Went to Maison's Grand Opening yesterday. Thanks to Calvin and Wai Kin for bringing me there. It was an awesome night !

Calvin and Yours Truly

Calvin, Dj Masterbase and I.

Erm, I didn't get their names.

Unknown Lady, DJ Doni, Me, Dj K and Dj Masterbase.

Oh ! And there were pole dancers too !

All this made me think of something. Hmm..

2009-08-23T04:27:00.005+08:00

I'm currently in LOVE with these pictures !

Nana and I @ Mist, Bangsar

Ju Lyn and I @ Pyramid Washroom =.=

The WHOLE Motley Crue and I @ Mist, Bangsar.

2009-08-22T16:29:00.003+08:00

Ramadhan is here ! And, I've decided to join all my Muslim friends for fasting. It's a great way to lose some pounds and food tastes so much better after a whole day of fasting when the tummy is hungry !

It's gonna be fun ! I went through a whole month of fasting before when I was in high school with my dear best friend, Nana !

Always looking forward to berbuka puasa with the whole motley crue and having a good 'ol laugh about it at the end of the day.

Well, here from Jennifer, wishing all my Muslim friends a very

HAPPY RAMADHAN !

2009-08-20T03:31:00.003+08:00

Went to watch District 9 with dear Pauline today ! Thanks so much for the movie babe. Love ya lots ! Next movie on me alright ?

District 9, the movie by Peter Jackson ( the genius behind Lord of The Rings trilogy and King Kong ! ) , is an AWESOME movie about alien prawns and humans trying to relocate them. Poor creatures. They have more humane feelings than us horrible humans who have no pity and treat them like crap.

I felt real bad for them after watching the movie. All they ever wanted was to live peacefully on our planet and be treated equally like us humans.

Enough spoilers though. I'd give this movie an awesome 9/10 !

Hmmm, recently I've been kinda broke. I need some money. No. I need a part time job ! Anyone nice enough to give me a part time job ? I'm a good, honest and cheery worker !

Just waiting for the difficult times to pass. I know there are ups and downs in our lives.